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Opinion \| Comment & Analysis \| Body Language

The Second Coming (Out)

PIETER FOURIE: BODY LANGUAGE - Nov 27 2008 06:00

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Back in 1991, during my first year at university, my mother and I had "the conversation". This is something most gay people dread: telling your parents that you're homosexual. Maybe it's a generational thing and easier for young people these days, but back then parents didn't really talk to their children about their sexuality -- or anyone's, for that matter.

As the only son of a single-parent mother and growing up in rural Oudtshoorn, it was particularly difficult for me. Difficult not so much because of the fact that my mother was a church organist at the local Dutch Reformed Church, but because we were good friends and I coveted her approval. We'd been through our own personal Auschwitz with my drunk, wife-beating and philandering father; developed a predictable solidarity on account of that, and I simply loved her and didn't want to disappoint her. And I still believe that no parent really wants a gay child -- my mother's sadness when I told her was not on account of any religious moralism or disapproval, but rather because, in her words, a gay life can be "a lonely life".

Nonetheless, my great disclosure was accepted with grace and love. My homosexuality comes up now and then and even though there is acceptance (if not exactly a happy embrace of the fact), "the conversation" is not something that ever truly ends; one has it again and again: clarifying, explaining and adapting a kind of eternal explanation that changes in different contexts.

When I got a boyfriend and introduced him to my mother there was a pause: it's one thing to admit to or be accepting of something in the abstract; being confronted with one's son in bed with another man cannot be very easy. Silence about sexuality is a dubious luxury that straight people take for granted -- the thing about being gay and out is that you necessarily, explicitly wearing your sexuality on your sleeve. You are saying: here I am, I am doing what is unusual and culturally deviant; I am a strange sexual being.

These dynamics of coming out and living a gay life are, of course, well documented and by now gracefully banal. What is less so is what I call a "second coming out". About 10 years after I first came out, my mother "came out" to her friends, her colleagues at the church and her painfully conservative and repressive family. She came out not about her own homosexuality (my mother is rampantly heterosexual, albeit repressed because of my father's violence); rather, she came out about being the mother of a gay son.

This is a very big deal: imagine growing up in the embrace of Dr Verwoerd and his merry men. Imagine coming from the rural Free State and being the first in your family to go to university, divorcing and ending up as a music teacher and organist in the Much Deformed Church in a small town -- and then having to admit to those close to you that your son is gay. I think my mother is an exemplar of something gay people take for granted: one comes out to one's parents and then the drama is mostly over. The truth is more encompassing -- coming out is not only about the gay person and his or her immediate family members.

Parents might choose to keep their children's sexuality under wraps as something never to be spoken of outside the family home. However, if the parent chooses to share the truth about his/her child's sexuality at the cost of social sanctions to themselves, this opens up a new layer of personal, social complexity.

Of course, my own situation in this regard is suburban and rather soporific. The really interesting parent-child and parent-society dynamics take place in even less accommodating traditional contexts. Things were difficult for my own mother, but I wonder how much more it might be so for black traditional families. Do these parents have the luxury of even considering coming out about their children's sexuality? Socially and emotionally, the stress must be compounded exponentially.

These psychosocial dynamics say a lot about a society or the sub-cultures within a society. That is for the sociologists or psychologists to study. All I know is that coming out -- whether at the primary (gay person) or secondary (parental) levels -- takes guts. However, as the book says, in the end the truth sets you free. Well, not always, but it does help.

CONTINUES BELOW

Pieter Fourie teaches politics at the University of Johannesburg

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I had a similar coming out process, it was very awkward, due to the fact I was with somebody alreayd and had been questioned about it a few times before, however had denied it...
One day I realised i could no longer hide who i was and am and came out... most of my firends had already caught on without me saying anything, however i must say that it was most difficult coming out to my parents... i felt so ashamed sometimes, but in my own little way, so proud to have done it... in my life i've done dangerous and tough things, however this was by far the hardest.
i am proud of who i am and of others like me and like the writer who can come out and accept who they are...
For everyone who is still behind the closed closet door, i remember how hard it is and will never forget when i took that step.
be who you are and be proud...
Even if it is on the inside.... ;)

Lea mckrill on November 27, 2008, 11:28 am

This is a great article! I've always been quite militant about not hiding anything from anyone. My mom always called me "our little trade unionist" as I was barking on about rights and equality and justice. I came out at fifteen and no one in my family cared at all. It took me years to realise that it probably had been quite difficult for my mother, but that she'd just never let me see that out of kindness. Now she lives in a small town and it enrages me that she's become more guarded about me than when she still lived in Joburg. But perhaps coming out for parents is just as difficult - especially when their peers are from a far more conservative generation than our own

Alistair Mackay on November 28, 2008, 9:48 am

This is very brave of you people to do,it takes a strong person to do it. I know of people who do not have the guts to do it but would want to do it anyway...Thanx for inspiring others though. The guy from Oudtshoorn, I'm also from that part of the world.

Mbulelo Dikgacwi on November 28, 2008, 12:12 pm

Readers should take note of Lidia Theron's book "Jy Bly My Kind" which deals specifically with this coming out of the parents. See the Facebook-group here:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=531176765#/group.php?gid=4575464269

Coenie K on November 29, 2008, 1:08 am

Better out, than in. Human dignity should not be impaired by sexual preference, ever.

Ahed Johb on November 29, 2008, 8:01 am

Really appreciated your article. As a minister of a Baptist Church, it always hurts to hear how the church has been a source of rejection and hurt in relation to your life. I found your choice of language very interesting ... strange how being a committed Christian nowadays carries many similar implications as you described. Rejection, alienation etc. Its ok to be a church goer ... but to come out of the closet as a true bible believing christian ... tough lifestyle to choose in this day and age.

Rich E on November 30, 2008, 7:19 am

Your article brought up a little residual guilt I periodically have to fight down about not really having given my parents any choice in the matter. I came out to my extended family and community very soon after coming out to my parents, because really coming out to them was the last hurdle to full disclosure for me. The only reason I wasn't out to everyone was because I wanted to come out to my parents myself, and not risk them finding out from someone else. I'm determined to live a completely out life, because living closeted was so hurtful and unhealthy to me for so long. But I'm now living happily and safely in New York, and my parents are left alone in small town SA to deal with the social aftermath. The virtual proximity to my home of origin provided by the internet (and in particular facebook and my blog, through which I came out to most of my extended community in SA)has made it almost impossible for me not to be out all the way in SA, while living out here, but I do sometimes wonder, with that sickening regret that comes with knowing I don't really have any choice in the matter, whether I shouldn't have done more to protect my parents.

Nicol Hammond on November 30, 2008, 8:32 pm

I loved this piece, Pieter. It says a lot about the integrity and 'fineness' of both you and your mother.

Shelley on December 1, 2008, 11:47 am

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The Second Coming (Out)

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