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The aspiring dictator's guide

BINYAVANGA WAINAINA: CONTINENTAL DRIFT - Dec 03 2008 05:00

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So many writers are making money writing stupid self-help books. Is there some little book, which circulates from president to president, like The Secret? Or are they all the kind of Africans who believe in crazy muti deals with the devil and that killing your own son at midnight will give you power?

Me, I believe that, like us, they learn from newspapers and, in these very minutes, some sneaky dictator somewhere on this continent is watching Mugabe and saying "aha".

The Daily Telegraph of England is a good read for all promising dictators of former English colonies - they report Dictator News with relish and regularity. Avoid blogs, they will depress you. Avoid Wikileaks.

Maybe they are reading this and will sneak it into their pockets.

Rule 1. Be the richest man in your country (Daniel arap Moi, Robert Mugabe). If you are a second-generation dictator, this is not hard; just blackmail the guy who came before you (Frederick Chiluba). If you come from an oil-producing country, this is even easier (many Nigerians and Angolans, Chad). If you are a Kenyan, the National Social Security Council is always good for a few billion. Defence contracts even better (all presidents). Money-printing contracts, the best (all presidents). If you are a South African, then anything with the word "black empowerment" works fine.

Rule 2. Find poor, stupid and brutal men from every corner of your country and make them rich. Do not give them money. Give them a place to steal from. Stupid people do not save money.
Give all women's church groups money. They are the most powerful groups in your country.

Rule 3. Make America or China happy. Make Israel and Saudi Arabia very happy. Become a Muslim, like Idi Amin. Visit Moammar Gadaffi often. He likes African leaders. We do not know why. Pray with George Bush and let him see your soul. Make your country's leading supermodel the ambassador to France and Italy. Ask her to wear a mini when presenting her papers to Nicholas Sarkozy.

Rule 4. Be very, very nice to your army. Be mean to your police.

Rule 5. Allow all international NGOs and donors free access to starving rural people, so that they vote for you because they got food aid (most African countries).

CONTINUES BELOW

Rule 6. Colonial countries expected little of Africans. Maintain this illusion. Keep your citizenry ignorant and unproductive. For their food needs, see Rule 5 above.

Rule 7. Make sure you become the tribal leader too (Jomo Kenyatta, Moi, Jacob Zuma). Even if you do not speak the language (Jerry Rawlings). Meet all the important people in your tribe every month and emphasise strongly how the other tribes are going to kill you all if you leave power (Moi). The word will spread and, when the shit hits the fan, your people will yield machetes for you. In Africa "tribe" means anybody who speaks your language to whom you regularly give money and civil service jobs. Just like the colonials.

Rule 8. Destroy or infiltrate all unions and civil organisations that have a constituency of educated Africans. All farmers' associations, all parents' associations, all teachers' associations, all church groups … these are very dangerous, especially the Catholics, who have a dictator in the Vatican they account to, who is richer than you. This way, you have no organised civil society that works. If your citizenry cannot organise themselves on issues such as work or education, they can only organise themselves by tribe. And all your cabinet ministers control their tribes, just as you do because they are the richest people in their tribes.

Rule 9. Allow all civil society groups that do not have any sizeable membership or constituency among your citizens. This way, you can shrug your shoulders and say you are happy to be criticised, but what noise they make means nothing. They have to account only to their donor, who lives in Denmark, and also fund the food aid you need for elections.

Rule 10. A free press is important. But have shares in all major media and make sure that you allow them to be very critical of everything, except you. You can, these days, secretly pay bloggers. They can say, for example, that your economic policy is Keynesian, but they should never say you are a "corrupt Zulu warlord".

Rule 11. Do not send all the money you steal to Switzerland and do not give it to your wife. Buy US treasury bonds and hide them in your children's library. They will never use it. Why should they read? Daddy is rich. Do not have businesses in your wife's name. Or in your children's names. Deal in euros, Krugerrands and diamonds.

Rule 12. Be nice to your fellow world dictators; you may need them to give you a home some day. Join Nepad (Wade). It is great for networking. Attend all African Union (AU) meetings and bring presents. The AU is the dictator's best friend (Idi Amin). For presents to colleagues, cash is good, gold is better and treasury bonds are best. No Ndebele prints please.

If all these things fail and you find yourself in State House surrounded by screaming citizens carrying homemade weaponry, make sure you have a Hummer (Raila Odinga) in your garage. They are cheap now in America. You can burst out of your palace and make your way to Somalia, where you can become a pirate who earns $50-million a year.

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Comments

Thought provoking...

Unathi Lugongolo on December 3, 2008, 10:45 am

Brilliant and spot-on as usual!

andrew hartnack on December 3, 2008, 10:57 am

Creepy!!!

on December 3, 2008, 1:29 pm

eish!

Sawyer Tulayt on December 3, 2008, 4:07 pm

A very good article, true of many African countries - too many - but not all. Sadly, most of the people of Africa stand by while this is happening. Notice the lack of action by Zimbabwe people, even as they die from the effects of gross politically inspired mismanagement. Notice the widespread support for corrupt leaders is South Africa. See how Angola voted the corrupt Dos Santos back in (not that there was anyone better to vote for).

No white African could have DARED write this. Criticism after all, is just a racist thing, isn't it? Are you sure you’re not some white person using a nom-de-plum?

Come on Africa, this is not a white-black thing, there is no East-West connotation and colonialism has little to do with our failure. We need to choose better leaders and we need to kick them out when they don’t deliver. It’s that simple!

John Bond on December 4, 2008, 8:58 am

'If all these things fail and you find yourself in State House surrounded by screaming citizens carrying homemade weaponry, make sure you have a Hummer (Raila Odinga) in your garage. They are cheap now in America. You can burst out of your palace and make your way to Somalia, where you can become a pirate who earns $50-million a year.'
Oh, that energetic little paragraph just made my day!
Very funny - but, terrifyingly, not so far fetched....

Cathy De Jongh on December 4, 2008, 3:28 pm

I want you to run for president NOW ! and please because I started this I want a great post in government , one where I can steal to my heart's content and since the scorpions are gone I will never get caught . This place just doesn't fail to get better for people like me. GP is really now a gangsters paradise

PINKO PALLINO on December 5, 2008, 7:22 am

Agree: Brilliant and Spot-On!! Thank you. (I just hope Jacob Mshini doesn't study it!).

John Bond, but we must decide there is ALWAYS someone better - I guess we need to get more involved, but it seems ordinary working citizens just don't have the time or deviousness. The thugs plot and plan and "organise" all day long!

pete ess on December 5, 2008, 9:03 am

I rescued a bogged down Emergency Vehicle a while ago so last night the vehicle’s crew took me off and bought me a couple of beers in our local tavern (The Ranch - Kwa Dukuza). As we all got drunk, the locals loosened up and started telling me about the great job the ANC are doing and that the COPE cockroaches must be killed! (yes – taken straight out the media and used as an ANC war cry)

The myopia of these people amazed me, what follows are some of the responses to my friendly banter…
- One had been hijacked in the past month – No, it wasn’t caused by poor policing. How can you blame the government for crime and violence.
- One had lost his brother and sister-in-law to AIDS – No, the Dept. of Health did not play any part in this. Yes, there were no anti-retrovirals at the hospital but you can’t blame the ANC for that.
- Two had lost their jobs and were unemployed – Don’t worry, the government will give them basic income grants after the elections.
- They all expect new smartie-box houses straight after the elections, their counsellor has promised. Yes, even the Emergency Services workers who earn too much to qualify, had been promised houses.
- Do I realise that JZ is just like Jesus, all the evil men are out to persecute him. He is a saint and has NEVER done anything wrong . He is only interested in HIS people (this is after all JZ country)

The South African voter’s inability to understand cause and effect in politics frightens me. Clearly, JZ is headed for a landslide in Kwa Dukuza. He hasn’t delivered anything so far and he won’t deliver in the future on grants or houses or anything else yet somehow, this won’t dampen the local people’s support for him at the next and following elections.

John Bond on December 5, 2008, 12:35 pm

Excellent! " I'm okay youre okay and if youre not, tough luck" is the norm by these self seeking politici of africa

david scholtz on December 7, 2008, 3:45 pm

HAHAHAHAHAH!
That was a masterpiece. I shouldn't be laughing though...

rob krumm on December 9, 2008, 7:34 am

Follow that route of dictatorship but also think how you might end like:Samuel Doe(liberia)Ali Solih(commoros)Joe Kabila(DRC) or may be they never thought about exit plan!what a life

Ngim mwa on June 17, 2009, 2:44 pm

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The aspiring dictator's guide

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