The new sentimental comedy-drama 17 Again is about a tired, squashy-faced, middle-aged man who, through a magic spell cast by a bearded old bear, is transformed into teen twink Zac Efron so that he can have a passionate love affair with an S&M porn star called Chace Crawford.
If only. Actually, no, that’s not it at all. And Chace Crawford doesn’t even appear.
I think I allowed my mind to wander while watching 17 Again, which is in fact about a tired, squashy-faced, middle-aged man (Matthew Perry) who, though a magic spell cast by a Santa Claus figure masquerading as a janitor, is transformed into Zac Efron and made 17 again so he can set right the mistakes of the past and recover his estranged wife, his children and his dignity.
You wouldn’t have thought that being Zac Efron for any length of time (or being 17 again, for that matter) was any way to recover your dignity, unless your dignity has to do with being able to dance rather neatly with some cheerleaders, look good in a tight pair of pants, throw a wild party and pronounce a range of standard homilies on growing up and how much you love your wife.
Efron is undeniably cute, though, and his legion of teen and tween fans will doubtless be little concerned by the hoary vacuity of the moral lessons on offer. They may in fact not have heard before that being yourself is essential (as if there were an alternative), that having children is better than getting a scholarship, that basketball skills are very important (if you’re a boy) and that (if you’re a girl) having premarital sex with your father is inadvisable, even if he has achieved 17hood and now looks exactly like Zac Efron.
Efron also acquires a new haircut when he gets to be 17 again, which suits him much better than the one he had when he was 17 the first time around, so that’s all right.
Underlying all this is the fantasy of a return to youth, of course, a fantasy driven by the pains and regrets of ageing (though Perry isn’t that old) and finding out that life doesn’t always make all your teen dreams come true. In fact, it makes very few of your teen dreams come true. Yes, you lose your virginity eventually, but even that isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
That a return to high school is such an appealing fantasy is a rather endearing and, I suspect, a particularly American idea. It reminds me of the desiccated adults who used to tell you to enjoy your time at school because it would be the best years of your life. Hardly encouraging in itself, that advice — but, either way, if I were magically transported back to high school in early-1980s South Africa I think I would regard myself as trapped in a horror movie.
It might be even worse if, like the Perry/Efron character, I found my early-40s mind trapped in a 17-year-old body and had to go to school in today’s South Africa. Then again, if I could turn into Zac Efron and a passionate affair with S&M porn star Chace Crawford were on offer —
But, once more, my mind is wandering. Consider it a tribute to the power of formulaic American movies that one can identify so strongly with the issues of the Perry/Efron character and be able to apply the moral lessons he learns to one’s own life. If only one could be young and beautiful again, filled with hope in the blank slate of the future, with no mortgage or car payments, no job to go to every day, no global warming, no financial crisis gripping the world. I certainly wouldn’t waste my time getting my wife back.