Don’t baby me

I want to say good for you..... but I cannot. Why? Because you don't name the slime ball who treated you like this, so he still has the power to do this to someone else.

I was brought up as a gentleman and I hate men who treat women this way probably as much as women do, they give us "good guys" a bad reputation. Please name the person in question, only by naming and shaming can we make people change their behavior.

You go girl... take them on cause they don't know you

If you are a strong, spell-my-name "woman" woman who can roar as loud as the men (“typically, as was often the case, I was the only woman among the press corps that day”), then be prepared to be treated differently. Should men write a similar gripe about always getting a firm handshake as opposed to a "Hello"? No. Some people are ignorant of the sensitivity others, as this politician obviously was, but dry those tears and face the world like the wo”man” you are. Life isn’t called difficult for nothing – baby.

Great piece, and very timely. Entrenched sexist attitudes must be eroded and destroyed. But for the sake of your own mental health, forgive the ignorant men who treat you so inappropriately. Their ignorance limits them in ways they don't even understand. But also keep educating them, patiently and firmly. Strength and honour! :)

It amuses me a little that Nikiwe reacts so viscerally to these comments. First she cried herself to sleep when one politician greeted her with a sexy connotation, then she almost could not concentrate on her interview when a similar thing happened at the other politician's office. The problem is not about you Nikiwe and it has never been about the women who are offered these unsolicited greetings loaded with sexist innuendoes. It is about the men who cannot calm their hormones, even in professional settings; men who see everything in a skirt as fair game - to be overtly admired and desired. At another level, the hormonal instinct in men is why men stare at attractive women. Some women find the attention flattering; others find it uncomfortable, even repulsive. I don't condone the politician's actions but I understand it. Such behaviour is not likely to disappear because it exists in that grey zone between decency and indecency. A lot of men and some women see nothing wrong with it. Nikiwe should develop a thick skin (no pun intended), keep a straight face and get on with her job.

Good grief, Nikiwe! Although I agree that the people you refer to are crass and disrespectful, aren't you overreacting a bit?

This type of behaviour from our politicians and those who hold position of power, especially after so many years of all of us being exposed to women's rights matters, respect of other human beings regardless of race, colour or creed, clearly demonstrates that unless examples are set by exposing such individuals, we still have a long way to go.
I do hope that structure like Gender Commission and other Gender Forums will be more focussed and embark on strict monitoring of such deviant behaviours and expose them. South Africa can ill-afford to be distracted in its mission of building a better future for all by such individuals who confuse their position of authority as licence to compensate their lack of confidence in what they are supposed to do.

The practice is entrenched on TV shows like Isidingo so how are men supposed to learn that it is offensive? However, maybe next time someone greats you as 'Baby' you should reply with 'Hi Kid' or 'Hello Sonny'. It would make the point

Leon, it's neanderthals like you who at the heart of the problem of sexism. Being the only female in a room does NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES mean that a woman should receive different treatment to her male counterparts. Why see her as a woman, and not just a journalist (gender irrelevant)?
What the politician did was insulting, demeaning and completely inappropriate. What he needs to do now is to resign and crawl back under a rock

In response to previous comments, I do not think the author is overreacting at all. Such patronizing and discriminatory treatment is offensive and unacceptable. Yes, it's "just" a word and a greeting, but it is indicative of the speaker's general attitude towards the author.

The names by which we call each other are one of the platforms on which power is negotiated.

If the politician had been pale-skinned and addressed the journalist by some term that refers playfully to her skin colour, would that have been acceptable?

As for the comment that men shouldn't complain that they get a firm handshake in greeting instead of a hello: if they find this offensive, I think it entirely necessary for them to draw others' attention to this!

I don't think there's anything wrong with Nikiwe's article; in fact I commend her for being a subject in news content where an offence has been caused.
It is quite dispicable and extremely unproffessional for anyone to call other people with inappropriate names like the one mentioned in the article. I think this bad behavior is a reflection of a very low value of self worth in a person perpetuating such behaviour. Secondly, I think such behaviour is a result of taking advantage of one's position, gender, attitude and the like.

Well done Nikiwe - the politician in question as you articulated in your article, acted inapropriately.

Deon

The problem of sexisim is like a cancer in our society. Men do not even realize they are being sexist for most of the time. While political parties pay lip service to gender issues ,many a girl has heard the expression 'dudlu'(no known english equivalent) while going about her business more times than they care to remember. The sad thing is that a lot of girl children are not raised to deal with such comments, and tears come naturally to some. The rest of us just choose to ignore such or grow a thick skin. But that doesn't solve the provlem

I know many people out there will agree with me when I say that this kind of treatment is indeed despicable. We live in day and age where it should not be tolerated at all. However, I am struggling with the fact that most of your articles seem to boarder along the lines of either, your friends entering polygamous relationships, politician this and politician that or how man disrespect and wound women or before I forget one recent one, the woman who came to the gym wearing calamine lotion.

I am beginning to wonder if this is showing us your own insecurities and how you try to dress them up by focusing on other's error of judgment yet forgetting that the more you pick up stories like these you risk revealing how insecure you are. Why not pick up a different genre and run away with it because you are a good writer and there is no question about that. You risk coming across as a same line writer if you always focus on what men do to annoy you yet you do not highlight as candidly what women do to men or you just leave to your male colleagues to that.

I also do not understand why it took you more than a decade to write about your experience with the first politician, and with due respect to feelings with regard to the sexist remarks made by the slime ball who called “Babes”. I really do not understand one thing! What stopped you from sorting him out straightaway? It is not clear to me why you decided against your anger to go on with the interview without pointing out that you do not appreciate it when people call you babes. To me this comes across as what most women do to get what they want and then cry out loud once they have got it. You tagged along! Why? It’s cases like this that make it hard for some of us to believe the merits of your story especially because we know you are a very assertive woman.
Writing about it here is not going to change that man who mistreated you. Had you educated him there and then we wouldn’t here today. You need to make people aware of how you want to be treated because some women may like to refer to as babes and may even use it themselves to an extent.

In one of you articles you seemed critical of female colleagues who seem upfront to order a bottle of wine without waiting for the male colleague who had invited you out for lunch.

One of the things that I am learning is that we tend to mourn a lot yet we do nothing about it.

Niky I know how you feel, I'm a man and sometimes my CEO or COE who is a lady when I have produce good work for a change not blogging would say thank you "sweetie" refering to me.I have shown my discomfort about it and she sometimes stop doing it and you dont know what happened there she throws it again.I think she bahaves more like a EEO.

I think men should distinguish between work and night club. This in the same way as women should distinguish between work and night club. I work in an office environment where most women dress so cheaply that you'd think they were going to a strip show! How am I supposed to respect someone with butt and stomach sticking out? I'm sorry but it goes both ways. Whilst this is not an excuse for men to behave disgustingly, women should be more consistent and respect work..

Sisi, I for one think that generally you have a problem with yourself esteem. You must know that it is only weak people that get angered by the environment they find themselves in. Once you grow up you will learn to carry your own wheather wherever you go, and create your own climite when necessary. But for now, you and your friend Direko, the politicians are going to frustrate the hell out of you my dear. GROW.

Niky i think you are overreacting a bit. sometimes men pass commenets like those to show appreciation and some women love it. i dont mind being sexist but i can not treat a lady the same way i treat a man, society has tought me to be be gentle with ladies. i refuse to apply a firm handshake when greeting a lady and no ways will i smile to a lady the same way i smile to man be it a club or a boardroom. fact that u dont mention the politician's name makes me wonder if this is made up or not, noneetheless my opinion is that if this does happen, much as u want to be treated like a man take it like a man.

Good article Nikiwe.
To me it does not really matter whether Nikiwe's articles are real stories of her experiences or are just case studies, the fact is that they reflect how sick our society is. But what I find most interesting and common about gender and race issues is that there are lots of similarities between them, but people's analysis and reactions towards these are not always consistent. This you would find to be the case even with the politician referred to in this article, if for example some demeaning word was to be said to him by a person of another race he would take exception and cite racism. That is why in my view if we really want to address these gender and race stereotypes we need to present gender and race scenarios back to back, you will be amazed how inconsistent our reasoning as we move from one issue to the other.

Good article. While the rest of mankind (this time I mean males) is out doing their thing to treat women like queens, like our peers, equals and basically in a way that they should rightfully be treated, some men are out there undoing our effort and basically pulling down the flag. This kind of behaviour is unacceptable and I’m sorry you had to go through it. And there is no formula to deal with these situations, therefore crying, spitting, been composed or writing about it ten years later is quite acceptable because how one would react to it quite differs from person to person. Which means that women CANNOT be blamed for condoning or promoting this behaviour, unless women unanimously throughout the globe would prefer to be addressed as “babes” as opposed to “Ma’am” or “Miss”. Nor can this primitive behaviour be blamed to hormones, after all its what separates us from the animal kingdom, the ability to know when it is appropriate to act out our feelings & desire and the the ability to withhold them. We do not go through “musth” nor are we totally driven by instinct!
You see, we live in a society where women are an integral part of commerce, politics and in all spheres of the industry. We all know the significance of acknowledging somebody for the purpose of having a successful intercation that will produce result from that person. It goes beyond brushing up the other person’s ego in order to get them to do something, its about respect and also spelling out to others that that person is important. If you disrespect somebody, not only will that somebody be less inclined to do what is required of them to the best of his/her ability but that person is in risk of not been taken seriously by any other person who will learn of the ‘disrespect’ directed to that person. Hence there are universal rules and standard ways of addressing each other. They are not there to be neglected on a whim, as a matter of fact, it is more necessary than ever before that we uphold these forms of addressing and inadvertently respecting our women.
Thandanani Umlaw

The type of man who belittles a woman is only trying to make himself look big, which shows small he thinks he is. Give him pity Nikiwe, don't waste your anger.
Mary Fanner

There is a saying in sotho that says: swana ya moshate, waye tlogela o molato waye gapa o molate. Meaning somethings, whatever you do, you'll be wrong anyway. I really feel sorry for the discomfort Nikiwe experienced but I don't think it deserve so much outcry.Some woman like it some do. But as some have commented, you should have addressed it there and then if you were bold enough. I wonder if you would react this way if it were somebody that u have a crush on??

Nikiwe, are you really as stunning a beauty as you would have us believe? Is a term of endearment so repulsive, (even if its coming from an unwanted source), that it makes you want to expell your "muesli."
Get real, girl. Walk in any normal area where normally perfectly behaved males are not confined by rules and regulations, and believe you me, whether you Cinderella or the Ugly Duckling, men will give in to their natural instincts and make a comment. They are, after all, animals, and some things you just cannot help.
I do not know if you are gay or straight, but I sure hope that if you are attracted to someone, you will have the guts to go and tell them how you feel without confessing to being a hypocrite. Men are hunters, and to them,females are a kind of prey. The game will never end. Those men that say that only one woman does it for them are outright liars.Ditto the girls!!

A powerful male politician? It was that bloody Helen Zille wasn't it?!

Freedom, I agree with you. I find it hilarious how easy it is for a woman to bash men, when there are women out there who crave attention and dress the way they do. They dress sexually with that intent in mind. If you wear a low cut top, where do you expect men to look? I mean c'mon? Why do you wear make-up, why do you spray perfume on? Don't tell me for yourselves, because that is a load of rubbish. We do it for attention. We want affirmation that we're beautiful or handsome. If a female said to me, "hey handsome, or hey babes" I wouldn't be offended. I'd take that as a compliment. Next time interview your clients in a paper bag, maybe that will help.

I can actually relate.. many years ago after my studies I worked under a senior lady in our deparment on a field day. Her calling me "toyboy" is something I remember still....

Being too PC can be so so boring. Obviously the child in this person reacted and probably only required a simple response like "Don't baby me". Didn't you know that women have to work twice as hard as a man to be considered half as good? Fortunately, it's not difficult!

The ANC preaches gender equality, but behind the scenes, some of thier high ranking politicians threat woman with disrespect, to the extent that articles such as this are written. It is becomming more apparent that the attack on HZ re. her cabinet makeup had more to do with discrediting the DA in the Western Cape than the issue of gender equality. If you are going to critisize, at least get your own house in order first.

Dear Ms Bikitshe

I have always had the highest respect for your fearless, intelligent and outstanding journalistic expertise. And I will always respect you for that. I have watched you many Sunday evenings on "Interface" and none of your successors have impressed me more than you with your cool, calm, collected and unperturbed demeanour with, often, difficult guests.

However, it seems that where men are concerned, you still have a lot to learn. While I agree that no stranger should take the familiarity to call a woman he had just met "Babes", I do think that you should not make such a big deal out of it. After all, with your proven ability to parry any verbal slings that come your way, you are basically in control of the situation and also of yourself, meaning your own reaction to what was said to you.

Understand one thing - men are men and will always see someone of the opposite gender from a physical point of view. But females are like that, too! Why, my own wife would quickly tell me what an attractive person, say Roger Moore is, and I grant her the priviledge, knowing full well that if I should just hint at the attractiveness of another female than she, I will get it in no uncertain terms. But that's the way it is - men and women have their own particular peculiarities and you and I must just live with it.
So Ms Bikitshe, come off it. Dont' be so bitter towards men - move on and be happy. In the end, thats all that counts.

Naas Ferreira.

hei, i dont think attacking the man really makes for a successful approach. as much as you hated it, it is important to rise above the challenge because what it is, is a cheap shot at your confidence not necessarily intentional on the guy's part.
i speak not in his defence but in recognition of the fact that he could have been trying for a positive effect.
next time do not let an opportunity to make your point heard pass like that. that silence may be interpreted as complicity with the minister's view.

i recently graduated and now work in the property development industry as an analyst and i meet day to day with such!
why? because more often than not in a boardroom full of 20 or so consultants ill be the only female voice!worse still when i get on site there are even more men constructing the buildings.
just this monday my MD was asking me why i did not comment in a consultative meeting, well i didnt comment because there was no need and thats what i told him. his response was that he wonders why because women always want to be noticed, want to be heard above everybody and will fidget, go to bathroom to apply make up and sorts!
if this was meant as a compliment or an underhand insult i dont know but the fact of the matter is that i had to interpret the comment in a manner that would not dimish my self worth.
ours is an evolving society. we haven't all reached perfection and we build each other up along the way!sexism like racism still exists and is especially prevalent in our african societies. there is a need to look beyond this as women and be the best at what we are good at.no apologies necessary for our gender.

and lastly if this was meant as an insult, he doesnt deserve your offence!remember the potent tool in the hand of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed!(Steve Biko)

The ignorance of some of these comments does not surprise me. It is never OK to call an unknown woman 'baby', 'love', or 'sweetheart'. What's wrong with calling her Nikiwe or Ms Bikitsha?

Next time this happens, Nikiwe, tell him or her that your name is Nikiwe Bikitsha and that's how they should refer to you.

Nikiwe you are dead right, it is only your husband/boyfriend entitled to say those words to you. Expose the name of the politician it's never late

Just to throw a wrench (or slap) in there, "men" is a category that is, significantly, MEANINGLESS. It is a homogeneous and stupid grouping that ceases to account for individual subjectivity or even collective practice. Big words eh? I understand that this man was being a douche. But please don't cordon the rest of us with this hegemonic masculinity that so often sickens your stomach. Or can I pigeonhole you with them "gossiping, gloss-wearing, saggy-armed, pouting, breast-exposing, shopping-frenzied, salad-eating" females?

Even the men don't get it. I am not you..we are not we. I am myself among you. The difference is clear. Meaningless vs. men-ingless.

Save us oh natural disaster...

Don't get me wrong, I support gender equality, and in an ideal world men would not be so crass towards women. And men would also get equal parenting rights and paternity leave. But unfortunately we are not there yet. You are overreacting and need a thicker skin

Great piece as always! We are getting lost everyday amidst these attacks from women. I do not condone the behavior of my fellow brother, nor do I try to defend his insensitive baboonish sexual exploration behavior .But the truth of the matter is that we are in a crisis and it can be partly blame on women. When we try to be formal and professional then you call us “egotistical” if we are overly friendly and less formal then we “heinous sexual beasts” that are having “cruel intentions” and people like you are getting offended. If we pretend not noticing your cleavage or almost breast-out posture then YOU SAY we find you no longer attractive. We are confuse. Judging from the other comments from the other sisters I think we finally know why men disappear from the relationships without saying proper goodbye. By the way for the politician, you better enroll for an ethical leadership programme, you have no clue what professionalism, leadership and ethics is. You are neither in exile nor at the initiation school where you envisage a world where women are treated like objects. I’ve got news for you that world do not exist. It is men like you who embarrass all of us and the reason why public service cannot delivery are because you are gazing at breasts, buts and good-looking faces instead of looking at the needs of the poor. You are disgusting.
I LOVE YOU LADIES!!!

As a seasoned reporter and adult, I suppose you will appreciate that in general people have different levels of tolerance and perspectives when they come across certain encounters. Without condining abusive and disrespectful individuals (Men & Women)I really see nothing wrong with a mad calling a woman baby obviously depending on the circumstance. It seems to me you are predisposed to getting hurt by POLITICIANS when they behave in their nature, that is , human being. I am a Man and naturally respect women at all times. I have learnt when it is not appropriate to use certain words to different women at different times at different places around different people or on one on one using a different medium. So I guess my brother did not read your location barometre correctly, otherwise. I am not convinced that he meant to desrespect or degrade you. Some of us lack the art of showing admiration.

Great piece as always! We are getting lost everyday amidst these attacks from women. I do not condone the behavior of my fellow brother, nor do I try to defend his insensitive baboonish sexual exploration behavior .But the truth of the matter is that we are in a crisis and it can be partly blame on women. When we try to be formal and professional then you call us “egotistical” if we are overly friendly and less formal then we “heinous sexual beasts” that are having “cruel intentions” and people like you are getting offended. If we pretend not noticing your cleavage or almost breast-out posture then YOU SAY we find you no longer attractive. We are confuse. Judging from the other comments from the other sisters I think we finally know why men disappear from the relationships without saying proper goodbye. By the way for the politician, you better enroll for an ethical leadership programme, you have no clue what professionalism, leadership and ethics is. You are neither in exile nor at the initiation school where you envisage a world where women are treated like objects. I’ve got news for you that world do not exist. It is men like you who embarrass all of us and the reason why public service cannot delivery is because you are gazing at breasts, buts and good-looking faces instead of looking at the needs of the poor. You are disgusting.
I LOVE YOU LADIES!!!

Hey mara Ngwanyana,did you really cry yourself to sleep because an ill-mannered male called you baby?Like tears flowing from your eyes?But what do we expect if you have Redi as a friend.

You can always try script-writing for Isidingo,you seem to be full of drama

I don't agree with some people that you are overreacting. In fact it's terrible that women are treated like this everyday. However, unless these things are exposed things won't change. If you named the politician it might make a good start. You probably won't and powerful people will continue to behave in this manner since they know they can get away with it.

"Babes" is not a sexist term in its own term. It's sexism is relative. Niki, Africans (that includes Zulus, Xhosas, Pedis, Afrikaaners in Orania, or Afrikaaners in CT) are by nature informal. Education should not make you blind to this. My grandmother refers to me as her husband; I address one of my female cousins as my wife, even in the presence of her husband (well I have slept with her anyway)! Informality is African. It allows us to address people we dont know as brother (mfethu), sister (usisi wam), dad (udada)....uncle (malume), loved one (is'thandwa zam)...there is nothing in it. "Babes" means nothing in African terms) unless one consolidates that with a proposal and boy touching. By nature, we flirt...flirting, flirting, flirting!...These are the privileges of being an African..you can call me husband or sweetie (I would love that anyway) it's not sexist, it's just you being Niki...You have to distinguish between western and African conceptualizations of sexism....You are thinking in western terms! For your information, politicians are whores!

hmm....wou;d have said, hi porky no wonder u blush

I really feel for Nikiwe for being hit so hard by being referred to as "babes". It is an uncalled for comment, and it does smack of a patronizing attitude.

However, I cannot - for the love of all things holy - understand why you didn’t tell the man in his face that you are not babes, that you have a name, and it is so-and-so. If you are miles ahead of the young girl that cried herself to sleep, then surely you should be grown enough to tell a man where to get off, and calmly continue with the interview.

While it is accepted that men that "baby" women they don't know, do so out of disrespect, there are many people (women included) who go around calling everyone they meet "darling", "sweetie" "my love" etc. I can't imagine that you would create a similar fuss if a woman you do not know called you "babes" or "sweetie".

The trick is to know the difference between the use of the endearment in jest and when it is meant to be condescending. If it is the latter, deal with it right there and then - by the time you write about it you are telling us (a) that it happened and (b) that you dealt with.

Such atrociously odiuos conduct 4rm these so called erudite politicians should be publicly exposed in order to inform & educate the society that it's delinquent & preposterous. Joel Kekana

I do not agree with that Politician for calling you "babes"..but since it is not for the first time being given that treatment, Why are you still keeping those Politicians names secret...and did you tell him that you didnt like it..or just continued with the interview????Now it seems like you are hiding behind M&G