Dear diary … a privileged vantage on a decade in the news, with a little help from Hayibo.com.
2009: Obama sworn in as first black president of the United States
Extract from the diary of Jacob Zuma:
Hayibo. Just watched Obama’s inauguration on TV. Still bummed that my invitation got lost in the mail. But, wow, talk about giving me ideas for my own big day. I was initially thinking I would go with something traditional ÂÂ- like a rendition of Umshini Wami and a stripper jumping out of a cake but, having seen the scale and sophistication of Obama’s shindig, I’ve changed my mind. Among other things he had a Chinese guy playing a massive violin. Trevor Manuel said his name was Yo, Jou Ma. Typical Trevor: you can take the boy out of the Cape Flats, but you can never take the Cape Flats out of the boy.
2008: Xenophobic violence sweeps across South Africa
Extract from the diary of Nigerian President Umaru Yar’Adua
Intensive care, evening. Mmm, jelly again. Haven’t written sooner as have only just regained use of right arm. Arrived in Cape Town four days ago, was greeted at airport by an entourage of government-appointed xenophobes who proceeded to beat me to a bloody pulp. Protocol attaché said it was to help me acquire a taste of life in South Africa and to let me understand the plight of victims of xenophobia. It worked. Pretty nurses. Oh! Soaps are starting!
2007: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows — the last Potter book — is published
Extract from the diary of JK Rowling
What’s easier than taking candy from babies? Taking money from children, of course. Why did I ever say the series would end after seven books? Yes, there are still the movies and the merchandising, but jeez, when I was unemployed and penniless back in Edinburgh, when he who became Harry Potter had not yet been named, I swore I would never turn away work. Now look at me. If I wrote an eighth book, Harry Potter and the Cynical Comeback, perhaps, it would break all the records again. I’d be lighting the barbeque with Microsoft share certificates and ordering cucumber and nightingale-tongue sandwiches at Foliage. I am feeling poor already.
2006: Pinochet, Saddam and Milosevic move to new digs
Extract from the diary of Satan, Lord of Darkness
Aircon still broken. Will this goddamned heat never end? Hitler having a rant about how the historical border of Hell traditionally overlaps that of Heaven, wants an Anschluss. Will insert flaming bratwurst up his bottom. Three new boys arrived today Slobodan, Saddam and Augusto. Sounds like a joke: a Serb, an Iraqi and a Chilean walk into a bar – bonk! Love that. I keep winking at Pinochet and saying: ”I suppose you thought it would be a Chile day in Hell before you landed up here!” He doesn’t get it, although Saddam thinks it is brilliant, calls it the Mother of All Jokes. Pathetic moustachioed little suck-up. Always hanging around trying to ingratiate himself. Oh! Hanging around! Real gallows humour. Damn, I’m on fire today!
2005: Pope John Paul II dies, replaced by Pope Benedict XVI
Extract from the diary of Dan Brown
Incredible, I thought as I wrote in my diary. The Pope was dead. Which meant he had died. What did it mean? Probably that his heart had stopped beating. I called my accountant, who did my accounts. He said Angels and Demons was flying off the shelves. Flying, I asked? Flying, he said, with a knowing wink of his left eye, which was opposite his right one. ”Has anyone figured out Angels and Demons is The Da Vinci Code set in Rome?” he asked. ”What?” I cried. ”Angels and Demons is The Da Vinci Code set in Rome?!”
2004: ANC returned to government with increased majority
Extract from the diary of Thabo Mbeki
Dear Diary, you alone understand the vast brain that pulses between these regal temples. A second term, gosh, who would have thought? Two missed calls from Bob in ÂÂZimbabwe. He is such a honey. Will call back after I thank the cadres for reaffirming the National Democratic blah blah blah God, the rhetoric gets so tedious.
Mustn’t seem too eager with Bob, though: don’t want him to think I’m easy. Will practise my signature. Thabo Mugabe. Mr Robert Mbeki. Call or text? DILEMMAS!!
2003: United States launches war in Iraq
Extract from the diary of George W Bush
The troops hit the beaches in Iraq tomorrow morning. Wanted to put Steve Spielberg in charge of ground invasion, with Tom Hanks and Harrison Ford leading the first wave, but Colin Powell advised against it, warned that there are four German SS armoured divisions stationed between Calais, Cherbourg and Baghdad. Donny Rumsfeld says this is going to be a surgical strike like an appendicktomy. Dick Cheney says that’s American for ”circumcision”. I don’t know what sailing round the world has to do with surgery, but, hey, if Dick said it, I believe it.
2002: Mugabe wins ‘free and fair’ poll
Extract from the diary of a Democratic Alliance election observer
Arrived in Salisbury yesterday to discover that Mugabe and Zanu-PF have won by a landslide. Troubling, as election is only taking place next week. But not as troubling as when I discovered the conditions under which the locals are forced to live. Saw members at the Victoria Gymkhana Club queuing for tonic water. And there was no ice. And there are dogs everywhere, beautiful Rhodesian ridgebacks, just wandering around without breeding papers or microchips. I don’t know why these people keep voting for Mugabe.
2001: World Trade Centre Terror Attacks
Extract from the diary of Osama Bin Laden
Feeling so good today I even wrote a song. Watch out Cat Stevens, you won’t be the only Muslim fundamentalist flying up the charts. Okay, maybe not flying, I won’t be doing much of that in the next little while:
Sitting in the dust in my cave
I’ll be sitting when the evening comes
Watching the planes fly in
Then I’ll watch it in slo-mo again
Yeah, I’m sitting in the dust in my cave
Watching the flies buzz away
I’m just sitting in the dust in my cave
Wasting lives
I left my home in Riyadh
Headed for this Afghan cave
‘Cause I just had hate to live for
Now the marines are gonna come my way —
2000: Y2K bug fails to bite, Bush elected
Extract from the diary of George Bush Senior
The boy has somehow got hisself the Oval Office. Dang. For a chile what is dumber than a bag fulla hammers lil George sure has done his Maw and Paw proud. Barbara is still locked in the tornader shelter with four hogs and a pound of sugar, and refuses to come out until we are safe from the Computer Menace.
I have tell her all mornin that the KY missile crisis or whatever in tarnation they are calling it has past, but she is havin’ none of it and says the world has gone mad enough that there might be a Aferkin-Amurkin in the White House within a decade. The poor woman has gone quite literally insane.