And The Ugly Shall Govern

It seems a shame that only one of the beautiful, stylish ANC leather jackets on sale to loyal party members has a brand name. So in the spirit of the glorious statement that is “The President No 1”, we’ve named all these remarkable garments after deserving ANC stalwarts.

Each jacket is designed to echo the qualities of the person it’s named after.

The President No 1

“The President No 1” is named after Jacob Zuma, because it shares so many of his qualities. Blocky, robust and patchy, this jacket is built to last. For at least 10 years, but some predict even longer. It can be worn to every social occasion, and best of all, it can be bought fairly cheaply.


The Allan Boesak
This is a fetching number in dayglo snakeskin, a leathery homage to the legendary skin-shedding ability of the Extraordinarily Reverend Boesak, a man who, if not a snake in the grass, is certainly renowned for shedding his allegiances.


The Pretty Boy Floyd
This one is garish and loud, but don’t let this put you off. Named after the silver-tongued poet of the ANC Youth League, this jacket will repel gravy stains, deflect any shit thrown its wearer’s way, and generally disguise your lack of stature by drawing attention to it’s insanely bad cut.


The Hogan Yellow Safety Jacket
If insider reports are to be believed, the knives are out in the ANC for the Public Enterprises Minister Barbara Hogan. She’s been accused of being “anti-transformation” in handling the Transnet and Eskom leadership crisis. It might also have something to do with her gall at actually doing her job very well and not splurging on any additional costs. We figure this fine jacket will serve to protect her from all the knives aimed at her back, and failing that she could always use it over the stab-proof vests being sold to football fans ahead of the 2010 World Cup.

Of course, a jacket this bright would also come in use when the lights go out at Eskom again, one of the many troubled parastatals under her watch.


The Tina Head Girl Blazer

This blazer-like affair is fit for a head girl. You know, the all-rounder superscholar who wins all the prizes. Kinda like our Minister of Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries, super minister Tina Joemat-Pettersson. She’s one of just two cabinet members to score an A in the Mail & Guardian’s annual report card.
We’d hate her too if she was our colleague.


The I wanna be like my president jacket

Very similar to The President Number 1, but just with smaller stripes, a misshapen cut, and the general look of a glove puppet. This is fitting for none other than… you guessed it, Juju Malema. Need we say more?


The Lindi Military Jacket

The lady is built tough, so too is her jacket. It says ‘I’m hard’, and if you don’t think she is, ask any one of the 3000 ladies and gents of our army that she gave the boot to last year following that dragged out, not-so-constitutional strike.


The How Are My Marks Angie Jacket

Assuming Angie is really serious about solving the big education problem staring her in the face, she could go undercover and pretend to be a school girl in this little number. It’s styled in such a way that it’s appropriate for someone who is into playing the naughty school girl. It could also be given to top perfoming learners at the end of this year’s matric. Or possibly to the failers. That’ll teach ‘em.


The Cowhide Cele

For that not-too-cold-but-might-want-to-wear-something-warmish kind of weather, Mr No Mercy on Criminals could swap his famous long coats for this gangsterish piece of hide. Come to think of it, he should order two, one for boss Nathi as well.

Hurry! Hurry! Selling like hotcakes! Hotcakes with maggots! Rush over to the ANC website and buy a jacket or two.