Rumours of a shambling zombie Schabir Shaik, wandering the streets and golf courses of Durban with his arms outstretched, moaning “Briiibes! Briiibes!”, appear to be exaggerated, much like the term “terminal illness”.
Schabir, our little miracle baby, has survived over 535-odd days now since being released from prison. Not bad for a man who was allegedly at death’s door. How did our Lazarus of the links manage to spit in death’s face, you ask? Well, with the help of a government that’s apparently all too happy to spit in the face of its people.
As usual, the bloody agents of the Mail & Guardian have said it best, in an editorial dated January 15. “There can no longer be any fudging, obfuscation or room for doubt: Schabir Shaik was not in the final stages of a terminal illness when he was released from prison on medical parole.
“Shaik’s release was enormously controversial and his repeated parole violations have made it more so. The basis for the decision has not been tested by the parole review board and South Africans cannot but conclude that a special kind of justice is available to friends of the president. Minister of Correctional Services Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula and her acting commissioner are evidently much too grateful for their jobs to risk any public revelation of the slender evidence on which he was let out.”
Ah, fighting words, words that can’t help but make South Africans feel a little worried about our government. But why do I bring up the matter of Shaik vs Death now, when we’re all happy to have forgotten him, and to have suppressed that awful creeping realisation that we live in a country where our Constitution (“one of the best in the world”, they tell me) not only guarantees justice for all, it also guarantees a little bit extra for those who know people in high places?
I bring it up because I have found religion. Yes, I have become a convert to the Church of the Media Tribunal, a new religious cult founded by His Impeccable Holiness, The Zuma, and his prophet St Jackson Mthembu. Join our church, my friends, read our holy book, the New Age, and you too can be saved from certain death, like our beloved brother Schabir Shaik.
If the Church of the Media Tribunal had been around when Shaik’s corrupt relationship with The Zuma was exposed by Satan’s minion, The Media, we wouldn’t have heard about it. In the national interest, a couple of smelly journalists would have been chucked into the lions’ den, and Shaik would have walked free. Well, walked free sooner, I mean.
Ah, The Media. There’s no better way of demonising a group of disparate, unconnected people and entities then by making them into a singular. Suddenly, all media organisations get judged by the action of their weakest members, and suddenly, it’s easy to hate something that doesn’t really exist. I’m reminded of other great singulars of the past, like The Blacks, and The West.
This is the mechanism that ideologies teach us, the evil device that becomes necessary when you’re attempting the brutal suppression of freedom. But as with all artificially constructed binaries, it’s always, inevitably, a two-way street. With the removal of our freedoms will come the realisation of our oppression, and there’s no better way to mobilise freedom fighters than to do their PR work for them. Many in our government are doing a decent job, but as with all great enterprises, there are some bad eggs. I look forward to the stumbling boobies of our government trying to fight the internet. Go take some tips from China and Iran, you stupid incompetents.
And the Church of the Media Tribunal IS a real religion. It asks its followers to believe in the omniscient power of its deity, The Zuma, and the wisdom and justice of his disciples, the Apostles of National Congress (or ANC for short). Shower in the healing power of blissful ignorance, my friends, and you will be raptured up into the small group of BEE saints rewarded by The Zuma.
If the Church of the Media Tribunal gains traction in South Africa, we’re heading for a time of evil and martyrs. Or to put it simply — any South African who supports a Media Tribunal deserves the hell that will be unleashed. If you don’t like what a particular newspaper writes, stop buying that newspaper. Don’t abdicate your hard-won power into the evil clutches of the Church of the Media Tribunal, who have managed to make some of us believe that You magazine and Noseweek are the same thing.
It’s so damn primitive, the idea that if we sacrifice a goat called The Media, god will look more benevolently upon us. As with all gods, The Zuma isn’t going to be satisfied with just one sacrifice. We’re going to need to keep ’em coming, with The Democracy and The Multi-Party State next on the chopping block.
Follow Chris on Twitter @chrisroperza, or visit his blog at chrisroper.co.za